Saturday, May 13, 2006

I'm Straight, I'm Queer, I'm Bi...

I'm straight.
Wish I was bi, though, sometimes...
Look at it one way, it doubles your chances.
Look at it another, it doubles the heartache.

And I thought I -was- bi for a while.
Around age 18 I had a close friend.
A very close, very dear, friend.
He was gay.
And he was caught in an excrusiating emotional trap.
His parents were rich, formal and ultra-conservative.
I suppose they, in their own way, tried to love him,
but they could never accept his sexuality.
It was too... alien... to their lifestyle.
One night, he came on to me...
Agressively so, which wasn't like him at all.
He was an -extremely- shy guy, normally. Very quiet.
And I kissed him back...
Why? So many reasons... a recent break-up, especially.
But it was a mistake of the greatest proportions.
Because I knew he was struggling
and I was attempting to comfort him...
and myself.
The mistake in it was that I, being a confused teen myself,
didn't get the bigger picture.
He had been fighting with his parents and wrestling his feelings
for so long, that he acted out of desperation.
A week went by after that...
Not a word from him.
Then I saw a notice in the local paper.
He had crashed his brand new motorcycle into the pylon of a concrete bridge.
And he wasn't drunk (even beer made him queasy)
and drugs weren't involved.
It was suicide.
And it broke me into a thousand fucking pieces,
which, to this day, I'm still fumbling to pick up.

He deserved more.
He deserved so much more out of life.
He deserved more from his stuck-up asshole parents.
But most of all,
he deserved more from me.

I've never been able to adequatly say goodbye to him.
(His parents wouldn't allow me to attend the funeral)
So instead I've said "So long and see you later".

A dime for a jukebox dirge.

Goodbye Simon.

21 Comments:

Blogger udonman said...

and yet there are people who wonder why teen suicide among the homosexual comunity is so high!

Micheal Im sorry for your loss and for the confusion this encounter may have caused you.

It sounds like you loved him if not romanticly then at least as a FRIEND it is sad to think of the parents being so uptight they wouldnt allow you to attend his funeral.

I too lossed a friend to suicide in highschool although his was drug induced leading to a 9mm to the head not some one I had an encounter with its such a tragedy to lose someone so young.

I will leave you with this though are you sure your not Bi I still dont think you sure of sexual orientation but thats for you to decide.

see you later buddy sand again sorry about you loss.

Tony

Saturday, May 13, 2006 6:46:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Hi, Tony.
Thanks.
Both for your honesty and your direct approach.

As for my sexuality, yes, I'm sure.
Heh, unfortunate as that might be.

And this might sound like overcompensating in the extreme, but right now I'm in love with two women at the same time.
(If you need to get the details,
mail me and I'll explain).
And it isn't even funny.

But trust me...
I'm not attracted to my own gender.
I wasn't even at the time...
I just wanted to console one of my best friends.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 7:25:00 PM  
Blogger udonman said...

well
I had to check you never know where youd find the right person ^_^

two women at once playing with fire there my friend dont get yourself burned.

well at least your secure in your sexually oreintion.
and I can understand about consoling your friend its to bad you werent able do more to help him.

Tony

Saturday, May 13, 2006 7:35:00 PM  
Blogger udonman said...

oreintion sorry should have been
orientation

Saturday, May 13, 2006 7:46:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

"well
I had to check you never know where youd find the right person ^_^".

Exactlty.
And, as I've said before,
if I -was- bi I'd be all over you.

"two women at once playing with fire there my friend dont get yourself burned.".

Well, it's even MORE complicated than that, actually.
But, like I said, if you want to know the full story, mail me.
On the other hand...
maybe I shouldn't be telling
you -this- much, anyway.

yers,
Michael.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 8:16:00 PM  
Anonymous karen said...

michael
I am so very sorry about Simon. Truly. I'm sorry that his life was cut so short and that he was in such pain and confusion that he saw death as the only answer. I'm sorry his parents weren't more loving and accepting. And I'm sorry about the impact Simon's pain and death have had on you.
But listen...YOU were not responsible for any of it. You were a confused young man yourself. Even when Simon turned to you physically, you didn't rebuff his advance; you met it and were accepting. Whether out of confusion or experimentation, or both, or neither, you were ACCEPTING of him.
He didn't die because you didn't give enough. Maybe he even lived a few days longer because of your actions. You'll never know.
You weren't born wearing a superhero cape. Give yourself a break. (Hey-where have I heard that before?)

I'm out of time right now.
Was just checking in.
Sorry I have to run.
Love you.
karen

Saturday, May 13, 2006 8:36:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Karen...
I know. I know I wasn't to blame.
In my -mind- I know this.
The heart's a different matter.

"Give yourself a break. (Hey-where have I heard that before?)"

Yes... Touché with a vengeance.
I'll try.
That's all I feel I can promise.


-Michael.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 9:24:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Don't get me wrong.
This isn't something I agonize over
daily.
But it's always there at the back of my mind.

- Michael.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 9:46:00 PM  
Blogger udonman said...

Micheal theres nothing for you to feel guilty about at all you were a good friend to him while he was here.
It wasnt your fault but you know that you feel guilty because you couldnt stop him from his suicide.
But he was on the path to begin with if any of the guilt is to be put upon anybody its his parents but even then its still not fair I wish I wouldve known him he sounds like such a wonderful person such a wonderful friend. Im sure as he was on his path he was happy to know there was at least one friend he could always count on.
Like I said Ive had suicidal depression hell Ive sat on the wrong side of the guard rail on a tall bridge and leaned over the side thinking about letting go. Even had the note written why I didnt do it there are many reasons why he did it there are many reasons.
Im sure it wasnt because of you my friend like karen said he may have lived longer because of you.

If youve never been to the point of sucide you cant Imagine the agony the pain the suffering going on within your mind.

It felt like a maze with no end and multiple turns upon which was more pain or the occasional moment of joy.

I still know that this wont help but at least it could give you a better understanding of what was going on in his mind.

If you want to know more about why I was suicdial email me that includes any one reading this.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 10:11:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Tony, you're the best.
And, yes, I've been that
"down" myself.

"If youve never been to the point of sucide you cant Imagine the agony the pain the suffering going on within your mind."

I've been there. I've been at that
unbearable point.
Luckily(?) I'm still sucking in air.

"It felt like a maze with no end and multiple turns upon which was more pain or the occasional moment of joy."

Well said. That -IS- what it feels like.
Do you mind if I steal your words for a story I might write?
Sorry if that sounds ghoulish,
but I mean it.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 10:32:00 PM  
Blogger udonman said...

go ahead and use them Ive got plenty more floating in my mind.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 10:34:00 PM  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

HMDK:
You made me weep w/this story. & I'm not given to it.
I have myself looked at the green vein in my arm, & thought of razors. But I'd not do such a thing. Why? Because such an act would shatter so many people, like fragile mirrors in an earthquake.
& I am not selfish enough, or brave enough, to do such a thing to others.
& while I've not lost a friend in this manner, an incident occurred which to this day makes me question why I didn't step in, maybe change the outcome of the past.
So I think I understand survivor's guilt to some degree.
You need to absolve yourself, my friend. It was out of your hands from day 1, till the end.
You are wise to say, the heart's another matter.
Old wounds never truly heal, they just scar over.
But hey! Maybe you can save the next 1?
Be at peace, my friend.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 10:37:00 PM  
Blogger udonman said...

so Im not the only one to cry when I read it.

You know at this point I feel it poignent to crack a joke to break the soleme mood but I just cant bring my self to do it.

Ive mentioned it to karen but one of the reasons I stoped my self from offing my self was my atheism. and the understanding that we only have one life to live and to live to the fullest.
I never even thought of it as being selfish but I can see where Ra is comming from.


Tony

Saturday, May 13, 2006 10:48:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

"and the understanding that we only have one life to live and to live to the fullest."

So true.
So try to enjoy the ride while it lasts.

To all of you, thanks.

- Michael S. Olsen.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:04:00 PM  
Blogger udonman said...

Simon

He was a friend’s friend I wish I knew
He was Michael’s best friend it’s true
Suicide is a loss you had to endure sadly

The heartache you feel is only yours but madly

It drives you to point breaking of breaking you

As said in the movie mash suicide is painless

If only you could believe it instead of sadness

heartache driving you to madness

suicide the guilt of life goodbye my friend I wish I knew you goodbye

not my best but quick and dirty none the less

Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:06:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Tony. Thanks is a cheap word.
But THANK you... So very, very much.
And I absolutely LOVE that song!
And I've been searching for YEARS for the title of it!
Is "Suicide is painless" the actual title, or just part of the lyric?

Now, -I'm- the one crying!



Strange currencies,
and much love from
the cold North
of Scandinavia,
- Michael.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:21:00 PM  
Blogger udonman said...

Its the actual title of the song `
if I here the music I can sing the whole song not very well but I can sing the song.

I love the movie not so much the series but the movie.
and I think that song has more meaning to it if youve been in the situation we both have been in.

I will talk to you later my friend

Tony

Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:31:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Tony, if you've got the lyrics
for it, please mail them to me.

Saturday, May 13, 2006 11:45:00 PM  
Anonymous karen said...

michael
This doesn't help with Simon, but you should know you have kept me from welcoming death with open arms, many times over.
Your wanting and willingness to try understand my disease and honestly discussing the various aspects of it have been enormous -comfort-. Not the word I want, but all I can come up with now.

The NGB has been invaluable to me too.
My depression has abated since I have had that as an outlet and a connection to others of the atheist persuasion.

I suspect that part of Simon's pain was the perception of being terribly alone and condemned for what he was.
I think having you as his friend was at least one solace he could embrace.

2 or 3 years ago, before I hit my own last downward spiral, I spent countless hours online talking to a young girl I met on another message board. She would contact me when she desperately wanted to cut or kill herself. And while I completely understood what she was going through, I just kept talking to her, until she was more in control and would make a promise to me to stay in the world for one more day. I told her it was entirely her decision; that in my opinion, she had the right to end her life if she chose to. She was 18. But I urged her to just try, for one more day to find some reason she could want to live. And I contracted with her that I would do the same. I tried to make her laugh, wrote poetry for her, assured her that I loved her no matter what. I pleaded with her to try to open up to her parents, who in their own way were trying to help, but were clueless.
She ended up having ECT, as did I. She is now in college, and I believe on a soccer scholarship.
If she had died, I owuld have felt responsible, I'm sure of it. Because I didn't ever come right out and say, NO, don't do it!"
Maybe I bought her some time to sort things out and get help. Maybe she would have done just as well without me. I don't know. At the time what seemed important was that she understand that she was worthwhile, even in the midst of all her pain and confusion. That someone could love her even if she wanted desperately to die, or to relieve the pain through self-mutilation.
She needed to know that there was at least some one who would not turn from her in revulsion because of her thoughts and deeds.

You did that for Simon and for me.
That it wasn't enough to deliver Simon from suicide is not a reflection on you. I think what is a relection is that in spite of the pain Simon's situation caused you, you still reached out to someone else - me.


Sorry for the long post.
I love you. Please...love yourself.
k.

Sunday, May 14, 2006 2:17:00 AM  
Blogger udonman said...

Micheal hope you dont mind I did a post about suicide and simon on my blog and linked to yours in the post

Sunday, May 14, 2006 1:22:00 PM  
Blogger PastaLaVista said...

Hi Hairless. I told you I'd be bock. I know it's been a while since you wrote this post but I thought I would comment on it none the less after my hiatus from bloging. By the way, you were so right, I did thank myself for taking a break from the blog scene. The tale of Simon is a very sad one. The human psyche is such a frail thing. Simon must have felt a great deal of pain otherwise he wouldn't have made the decision he did. The circumstances were against him. I think you showed him empathy and he took it for affection. Don't lay too much blame on yourself. Hindsight is always 2020. All any of us can do is play the hand we are dealt to the best of our ability. Whatever the odds agaist us, some of us seem to have a natural talent for playing the hand correctly and some of us just never seem to get the hang of it or take quite a bit longer to master the game. I can definitely feel your pain as I too know that this is the only life that you will ever have (which he may not have realized) and his is gone. What an incredible loss for anyone. All I can say is that I'm glad you're still around hairless and I think the world is a better place for it. Cheers to your presence in it.

Saturday, June 24, 2006 5:45:00 AM  

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