I'm Straight, I'm Queer, I'm Bi...
I'm straight.
Wish I was bi, though, sometimes...
Look at it one way, it doubles your chances.
Look at it another, it doubles the heartache.
And I thought I -was- bi for a while.
Around age 18 I had a close friend.
A very close, very dear, friend.
He was gay.
And he was caught in an excrusiating emotional trap.
His parents were rich, formal and ultra-conservative.
I suppose they, in their own way, tried to love him,
but they could never accept his sexuality.
It was too... alien... to their lifestyle.
One night, he came on to me...
Agressively so, which wasn't like him at all.
He was an -extremely- shy guy, normally. Very quiet.
And I kissed him back...
Why? So many reasons... a recent break-up, especially.
But it was a mistake of the greatest proportions.
Because I knew he was struggling
and I was attempting to comfort him...
and myself.
The mistake in it was that I, being a confused teen myself,
didn't get the bigger picture.
He had been fighting with his parents and wrestling his feelings
for so long, that he acted out of desperation.
A week went by after that...
Not a word from him.
Then I saw a notice in the local paper.
He had crashed his brand new motorcycle into the pylon of a concrete bridge.
And he wasn't drunk (even beer made him queasy)
and drugs weren't involved.
It was suicide.
And it broke me into a thousand fucking pieces,
which, to this day, I'm still fumbling to pick up.
He deserved more.
He deserved so much more out of life.
He deserved more from his stuck-up asshole parents.
But most of all,
he deserved more from me.
I've never been able to adequatly say goodbye to him.
(His parents wouldn't allow me to attend the funeral)
So instead I've said "So long and see you later".
A dime for a jukebox dirge.
Goodbye Simon.
I'm straight.
Wish I was bi, though, sometimes...
Look at it one way, it doubles your chances.
Look at it another, it doubles the heartache.
And I thought I -was- bi for a while.
Around age 18 I had a close friend.
A very close, very dear, friend.
He was gay.
And he was caught in an excrusiating emotional trap.
His parents were rich, formal and ultra-conservative.
I suppose they, in their own way, tried to love him,
but they could never accept his sexuality.
It was too... alien... to their lifestyle.
One night, he came on to me...
Agressively so, which wasn't like him at all.
He was an -extremely- shy guy, normally. Very quiet.
And I kissed him back...
Why? So many reasons... a recent break-up, especially.
But it was a mistake of the greatest proportions.
Because I knew he was struggling
and I was attempting to comfort him...
and myself.
The mistake in it was that I, being a confused teen myself,
didn't get the bigger picture.
He had been fighting with his parents and wrestling his feelings
for so long, that he acted out of desperation.
A week went by after that...
Not a word from him.
Then I saw a notice in the local paper.
He had crashed his brand new motorcycle into the pylon of a concrete bridge.
And he wasn't drunk (even beer made him queasy)
and drugs weren't involved.
It was suicide.
And it broke me into a thousand fucking pieces,
which, to this day, I'm still fumbling to pick up.
He deserved more.
He deserved so much more out of life.
He deserved more from his stuck-up asshole parents.
But most of all,
he deserved more from me.
I've never been able to adequatly say goodbye to him.
(His parents wouldn't allow me to attend the funeral)
So instead I've said "So long and see you later".
A dime for a jukebox dirge.
Goodbye Simon.
posted by HairlessMonkeyDK at 3:17 PM
12 Comments:
Hi, Tony.
Thanks.
Both for your honesty and your direct approach.
As for my sexuality, yes, I'm sure.
Heh, unfortunate as that might be.
And this might sound like overcompensating in the extreme, but right now I'm in love with two women at the same time.
(If you need to get the details,
mail me and I'll explain).
And it isn't even funny.
But trust me...
I'm not attracted to my own gender.
I wasn't even at the time...
I just wanted to console one of my best friends.
"well
I had to check you never know where youd find the right person ^_^".
Exactlty.
And, as I've said before,
if I -was- bi I'd be all over you.
"two women at once playing with fire there my friend dont get yourself burned.".
Well, it's even MORE complicated than that, actually.
But, like I said, if you want to know the full story, mail me.
On the other hand...
maybe I shouldn't be telling
you -this- much, anyway.
yers,
Michael.
michael
I am so very sorry about Simon. Truly. I'm sorry that his life was cut so short and that he was in such pain and confusion that he saw death as the only answer. I'm sorry his parents weren't more loving and accepting. And I'm sorry about the impact Simon's pain and death have had on you.
But listen...YOU were not responsible for any of it. You were a confused young man yourself. Even when Simon turned to you physically, you didn't rebuff his advance; you met it and were accepting. Whether out of confusion or experimentation, or both, or neither, you were ACCEPTING of him.
He didn't die because you didn't give enough. Maybe he even lived a few days longer because of your actions. You'll never know.
You weren't born wearing a superhero cape. Give yourself a break. (Hey-where have I heard that before?)
I'm out of time right now.
Was just checking in.
Sorry I have to run.
Love you.
karen
Karen...
I know. I know I wasn't to blame.
In my -mind- I know this.
The heart's a different matter.
"Give yourself a break. (Hey-where have I heard that before?)"
Yes... Touché with a vengeance.
I'll try.
That's all I feel I can promise.
-Michael.
Don't get me wrong.
This isn't something I agonize over
daily.
But it's always there at the back of my mind.
- Michael.
Tony, you're the best.
And, yes, I've been that
"down" myself.
"If youve never been to the point of sucide you cant Imagine the agony the pain the suffering going on within your mind."
I've been there. I've been at that
unbearable point.
Luckily(?) I'm still sucking in air.
"It felt like a maze with no end and multiple turns upon which was more pain or the occasional moment of joy."
Well said. That -IS- what it feels like.
Do you mind if I steal your words for a story I might write?
Sorry if that sounds ghoulish,
but I mean it.
HMDK:
You made me weep w/this story. & I'm not given to it.
I have myself looked at the green vein in my arm, & thought of razors. But I'd not do such a thing. Why? Because such an act would shatter so many people, like fragile mirrors in an earthquake.
& I am not selfish enough, or brave enough, to do such a thing to others.
& while I've not lost a friend in this manner, an incident occurred which to this day makes me question why I didn't step in, maybe change the outcome of the past.
So I think I understand survivor's guilt to some degree.
You need to absolve yourself, my friend. It was out of your hands from day 1, till the end.
You are wise to say, the heart's another matter.
Old wounds never truly heal, they just scar over.
But hey! Maybe you can save the next 1?
Be at peace, my friend.
"and the understanding that we only have one life to live and to live to the fullest."
So true.
So try to enjoy the ride while it lasts.
To all of you, thanks.
- Michael S. Olsen.
Tony. Thanks is a cheap word.
But THANK you... So very, very much.
And I absolutely LOVE that song!
And I've been searching for YEARS for the title of it!
Is "Suicide is painless" the actual title, or just part of the lyric?
Now, -I'm- the one crying!
Strange currencies,
and much love from
the cold North
of Scandinavia,
- Michael.
Tony, if you've got the lyrics
for it, please mail them to me.
michael
This doesn't help with Simon, but you should know you have kept me from welcoming death with open arms, many times over.
Your wanting and willingness to try understand my disease and honestly discussing the various aspects of it have been enormous -comfort-. Not the word I want, but all I can come up with now.
The NGB has been invaluable to me too.
My depression has abated since I have had that as an outlet and a connection to others of the atheist persuasion.
I suspect that part of Simon's pain was the perception of being terribly alone and condemned for what he was.
I think having you as his friend was at least one solace he could embrace.
2 or 3 years ago, before I hit my own last downward spiral, I spent countless hours online talking to a young girl I met on another message board. She would contact me when she desperately wanted to cut or kill herself. And while I completely understood what she was going through, I just kept talking to her, until she was more in control and would make a promise to me to stay in the world for one more day. I told her it was entirely her decision; that in my opinion, she had the right to end her life if she chose to. She was 18. But I urged her to just try, for one more day to find some reason she could want to live. And I contracted with her that I would do the same. I tried to make her laugh, wrote poetry for her, assured her that I loved her no matter what. I pleaded with her to try to open up to her parents, who in their own way were trying to help, but were clueless.
She ended up having ECT, as did I. She is now in college, and I believe on a soccer scholarship.
If she had died, I owuld have felt responsible, I'm sure of it. Because I didn't ever come right out and say, NO, don't do it!"
Maybe I bought her some time to sort things out and get help. Maybe she would have done just as well without me. I don't know. At the time what seemed important was that she understand that she was worthwhile, even in the midst of all her pain and confusion. That someone could love her even if she wanted desperately to die, or to relieve the pain through self-mutilation.
She needed to know that there was at least some one who would not turn from her in revulsion because of her thoughts and deeds.
You did that for Simon and for me.
That it wasn't enough to deliver Simon from suicide is not a reflection on you. I think what is a relection is that in spite of the pain Simon's situation caused you, you still reached out to someone else - me.
Sorry for the long post.
I love you. Please...love yourself.
k.
Hi Hairless. I told you I'd be bock. I know it's been a while since you wrote this post but I thought I would comment on it none the less after my hiatus from bloging. By the way, you were so right, I did thank myself for taking a break from the blog scene. The tale of Simon is a very sad one. The human psyche is such a frail thing. Simon must have felt a great deal of pain otherwise he wouldn't have made the decision he did. The circumstances were against him. I think you showed him empathy and he took it for affection. Don't lay too much blame on yourself. Hindsight is always 2020. All any of us can do is play the hand we are dealt to the best of our ability. Whatever the odds agaist us, some of us seem to have a natural talent for playing the hand correctly and some of us just never seem to get the hang of it or take quite a bit longer to master the game. I can definitely feel your pain as I too know that this is the only life that you will ever have (which he may not have realized) and his is gone. What an incredible loss for anyone. All I can say is that I'm glad you're still around hairless and I think the world is a better place for it. Cheers to your presence in it.
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