Sunday, March 19, 2006

Fear And Loathing In Denmark:
A Savage Journey Into The Memory
Of A Maniac. Part 1.

(ca. 8-10 years ago)

I was just walking into the classroom, when the drugs started to take hold.
My teacher seemed to be alternately swelling and contracting... like her body was in the grip of some fearsome flesh-molding tide...
and her face seemed to be melting... a puddle of purple wax.
Conjugating Latin is never easy, and if your breakfast consists of acid and martini you've got an extra handicap. Nonetheless, I passed the exam. Which, of course, merited a celebration!
So there I was, later that night, feeding a pet pig, who's fur I'd just dyed, pork rinds, while listening to the Velvet Underground's "Sister Ray" blasting out of the huge speakers hung in my new girlfriend's apartment.
Suddenly my girlfriend, let's call her Jane, says to me, outta nowhere:
"My ex just got out of prison today. He might show up".
I stare at her, not quite sure what to say, when there's a knock on the door. I laugh out loud at the absurd timing, but Jane jumps up, frightened, and turns down the volume a bit. Then she sort of tip-toes to the door and opens it, keeping the chain on.
Words are exchanged, but I can't make out what is said.
Then the door is kicked in, and this big, hulking brute stomps in,
glances around, and zooms in on me.
"Great", I thought, "Here we go".
The beast approaches. He stands looking down at me.
I remain seated on the sofa... pour another mix of chocolate milk and whiskey. He just stands there STARING at me, real intense, real potential-for-violence vibes radiating from him.
Then, finally, he asks, in the most raw anguished voice:
"Are you the one she claims to love now? Are you the new fly in her web?".
I raise my glass, give him a knowing half-smile, and drink.
He nods and sort of leans down to whisper:
"Don't get caught. Take it from me, jail is easier".
Then he squeezes my shoulder in a sympathetic way, turns around
and walks out.
Jane looks from me to the door and back again.
She gnaws her lower lip, then asks:
"What... what did he say?".
I point to the half-empty bottle and say:
"That I'll probably need a lot more of this stuff".
The pig grunted in agreement and I resumed petting him.
Never underestimate the wisdom of animals.

29 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Acid and martinis, chocolate milk and whiskey, Jane...
That's quite a diet you had going there.
Amazing that your liver hasn't rejected you!
And how did you extricate yourself from Jane's clutches? Does that get told in part 2?
And what happened to the pig? Feeding it pork rinds! Shame on you!

Sunday, March 19, 2006 11:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, that anonymous was me, BTW.
Forgot to say so.
But you know.
Cos you're in my clutches now, Baby.

;) k.

Sunday, March 19, 2006 11:21:00 PM  
Blogger Mesoforte said...

Feeding a pig pork rinds, isn't that cannabalism?

"My ex just got out of prison today. He might show up"

Not the best line to hear.

Oh well, at least we aren't talking about balls anymore.

Sunday, March 19, 2006 11:54:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Karen n' Meso:

"And what happened to the pig? Feeding it pork rinds! Shame on you!"

"Feeding a pig pork rinds, isn't that cannabalism?".

Cannibalism?
Yes, in a sense.
But it really LOVED munching those pork rinds... and potato chips...
and junkfood in general.
As for what subsequently happened to Jane and the Pig... well, the relationship just wore down and eventually disintegrated without too much hassle and hurt.

Meso:
"Oh well, at least we aren't talking about balls anymore. ".

Right. Which means that you can actually participate in the discussion, now that we're talking about something that you -might- know about. heeh...


Karen:

"Cos you're in my clutches now, Baby."

Don't I know it!
But them's the best clutches to be caught in!

Monday, March 20, 2006 1:08:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In what sense wouldn't a pig eating pork rinds be cannibalism?
In the sense that the pig doesn't know what it's eating?
Really, Michael!
You might have fed him his own mother!

He'd need therapy.
Then in therapy, he might have to lie on his father, the pig-skin leather couch!
Let me guess...you played football with him too?
You beast!
Oh the porcine-ity!

k.

Monday, March 20, 2006 2:25:00 AM  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

HMDK:
Great story! Oy, worthy of HS Thompson it is!
Breakfast of acid and martinis? I pity yer poor liver! But still passing an exam in latin under the influence is...well, laugh-out-loud funny.
I raise my glass, give him a knowing half-smile, and drink.
Didja wink, too? Wunnerful response.
Pork rinds to a pet pig. 'Mad Pig Disease' ultimately claimed the poor porcine, I gather.
A tip of the hat, a wink & a smile, sirrah.
Outstanding.

Monday, March 20, 2006 2:28:00 AM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Karen... *LMAO*
"Oh the porcine-ity!"
He! Remember the HindenPig!

Uncy Relucty,
thank ye for the great praise.
What makes me uhhh... reluctant to accept it, is that the story is all true. I didn't even have to embellish anything.
My life is a constant source of absurdity.

"passing an exam in latin under the influence is...well, laugh-out-loud funny".

I did, indeed, pass.
Only just, but still...
I too find this endlessly funny.

Monday, March 20, 2006 3:00:00 AM  
Blogger Mesoforte said...

HMDK

"Which means that you can actually participate in the discussion, now that we're talking about something that you -might- know about."

I seem to remember knowing a little about them. I remember saying something about the doctor's making a mistake. But now I can add that the last thing you would hear before you dropped into the world of pain would be "Whoops!" Now that would be hilarious.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:19:00 AM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Meso, I love you; really, I do.
So don't take it too personally if I ask you to suck my pair (yer mouth's big enough!)
and then slink off and die in ignomony.
But really, Mesoforte,
like I said before, I DO really thank you for bringing me some laughs... It seems we share the same sense of, slightly antagonistic, humour.
And here's the accolade I'd like to bestow upon you:
You give as good as you get.

Kudos, buddy.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:05:00 AM  
Blogger Mesoforte said...

Thanks, I do what I can. ^_~

In fact, I just got declared the penultimate evil by my friend whenever I embarrassed him in the family resturaunt called Hooters. He had to hoolihoop in front of a large crowd of people. ^_^

Thursday, March 23, 2006 6:39:00 AM  
Blogger Mesoforte said...

Forgot to add-

You know, if you wait long enough, they'll be big enough that you can suck them. ^_~

Thursday, March 23, 2006 6:40:00 AM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

Meso, yes, well... but why would I?
That's what I got you for, ain't it?

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meso, Hairless

Mind if I watch? :)


k.

Friday, March 24, 2006 11:44:00 PM  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

Oy gevalt! Whadda bunch of hedonists! Not that I'm a prude, mindya.
Carry on, folks.

Saturday, March 25, 2006 1:24:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

RA
Who you callin' a hit-on-ist?
I resemble that remark!

Anyways, I watched you and Hairless in the shower together the other day, doncha remember?

k ;)

Saturday, March 25, 2006 4:45:00 AM  
Blogger Mesoforte said...

HMDK

No, that's what you have Karen for. (Sorry Karen, I couldn't pass that one up either.) And according to Karen, you have RA too...x_x

Saturday, March 25, 2006 5:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Meso
No problemo. I was waiting for it, actually! :D

Karen

Saturday, March 25, 2006 6:16:00 AM  
Blogger udonman said...

dont mind me Iam just sitting in the dark watching the show that faint light you see its just my video camera sharing with the world
im thinking maybe I should sell dvds

Saturday, March 25, 2006 7:43:00 AM  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

karen:
Anyways, I watched you and Hairless in the shower together the other day, doncha remember?
Ummm...to maintain maximum deniability, that was me evil twin, the Reluctant Theist.
(snicker)
What a vivid imagination you got, love.

Monday, March 27, 2006 4:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

RA:
"What a vivid imagination you got, love."

Aaaahhhhyyyyep!
It was so nice of you and Hairless to feed it with the shower idea on the NGB.
You sure you want to claim it was your evil twin? There was a mighty fine time being had...by a couple of mighty fine men! :D

Hope udonman took the lens cap off.
Hey udon! How much fer one o' them DVD's?

Monday, March 27, 2006 7:41:00 PM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

After reading the last batch of comments, my reaction is that of Doc Frankenstein... "I'VE CREATED A MONSTER!".

What have I released
upon this world?

Hell, not only a monster,
but a hormonally burdened beast,
shot through with lascivious hunger
and all sorts of dirty proclivities.
Uhh....
But I'm beginning to describe myself here, so... ahem! NEVERMIND!

Monday, March 27, 2006 11:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hairless, Honey,
My proclivities ain't dirty,
they's just a little -rusty- is all.

hee
k.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 1:09:00 AM  
Blogger HairlessMonkeyDK said...

K.
*LMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAO*!.
Lemme give ya a free oily refill, then.

And I don't believe the
"rusty" part, for one second.
You strike me as a lady confident enough to observe self-service.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 2:24:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hairless
Religious reasons prevent me from indulging in self-service except on days that end in "y". So tomorrow is out, but yesterday was fine, and so is today. Maybe that's why it is said "Tomorrow never COMES."

I am dee-lighted that I could make you laugh so heartily. :D

(I'll take that refill now.)

k.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 3:37:00 AM  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

karen:
You sure you want to claim it was your evil twin? There was a mighty fine time being had...by a couple of mighty fine men!
Ummm...that really wasn't me. But too late: now everyone's got the wrong idea.

HMDK:
Hell, not only a monster,
but a hormonally burdened beast,
shot through with lascivious hunger
and all sorts of dirty proclivities.

Aye, Victor, it LIVES!
Since I'm the blog-father, I'll have to take partial responsibility.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 7:57:00 AM  
Blogger udonman said...

the blog father micheal hes going to make yous ans offer yous cant refusse

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

udonman:
Yeah, it's too bad: I do a killer Marlon Brando impression. Don't travel well on the page.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 9:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

RA
You are the "blog-father", eh?
So you and Hairless created this monster together!
But you still won't admit that was you in the shower!
Well, maybe not that night...!


(Don't worry Hon. I'm sure no one has the wrong idea about you.)
k.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 2:15:00 AM  
Blogger Krystalline Apostate said...

karen:
So you and Hairless created this monster together!
Well, it was spawned the moment HMDK went to comment on my blog...I received a few very...unfriendly emails about it. I hadn't enabled anonymous commenting.
So I was perhaps the lightning striking the quiescent pool of water, to borrow an analogy, which then generated the stirrings of life.
And the tentacles of which threaten to drag me down in the dark, swirling waters...
Avast, I say! I gave thee life! NOOOOOOOOO....(gurgle, bubbles surfacing, single hand counting off, vanishing into the depths...).
Hehehehe.
But you still won't admit that was you in the shower!
Like Castaneda, I can generate my own double. What my doppleganger does in his own time, is his biz, not mine.
(Don't worry Hon. I'm sure no one has the wrong idea about you.)
Not losin' sleep over it, that's fer sure. ;)

Thursday, March 30, 2006 12:21:00 AM  

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